


I can't be a hero, not with all this blood on my hands

by escapisthero



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Western, Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War, Closeted Character, Doctor Castiel (Supernatural), Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Medical Procedures, Pining, Redemption, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27619246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapisthero/pseuds/escapisthero
Summary: Trapped in the claws of a monster of a man Castiel is faced with the choice: become a monster or slay the beast and suffer the consequences.All the while the handsome man is pleading for his brother's lifeYears later. The past comes back.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 3





	1. Into the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I should start of with the warnings:
> 
> English is not my first language. 
> 
> It might might be lots of historical incorrect things. We do not study the American Civil War in my country. But I have tried to use Google and the knowledge movies and stories have told me. 
> 
> There is some homophobic historical slurs. And talk about the punishment that could be gay people's fate at the time. But nothing too triggering, I hope... 
> 
> With that said.  
> Welcome!  
> To the walk into the darkness and beyond.

In the last year before the end of the Civil War, America. 

Castiel Milton was a young man. Only 23 but Castiel's soul felt like it was older than god himself. He was cleaning the Room forgotten by all that is good and hated by Castiel. The room was located in the hospital cellar. Damp walls surrounded him. The cold chilled him to the core. A couple of rooms down the hall was the morgue. But Castiel would rather spend his day in that cold but peaceful room of the dead than being in this demonic room. 

A first glance it seemed like a good room. There were only three pieces of furniture in there. A cabinet without doors, a big table and a tray-table. The cabinet had jars of preserved hearts and eyes. There were other preserved organs in the hospital. Things of teaching for doctors. But those in these jars Castiel knew who once had those eyes and how their screams had sounded when Dr Alistair had removed them.

The tray table held the tools of a doctor. The tools of a monster.  
Knifes, scalpels, pliers and many others.

But the table that Castiel was scrubbing with salt and water, it was the worst piece in the room.

It was a big and robust table. If Castiel wasn’t scrubbing away blood from the last victim. He would have been able to admire the workmanship of the carpenter who made the table. But all he could see was the blood that stained the table. The same blood that stained Castiel's hands. The blood that would never come of his hands and soul.

If Castiel had known five years prior what he knew that night he would have done everything differently. But he could not change time. So the guilt, shame and anger was all he knew.

Seven years prior he had started as Dr Alistair's assistant. His head was filled with the noble idea that he would be able to help and cure the patients. This would be the first step of him becoming a doctor. His work with dr Alistair had been good in the beginning. Even if Castiel had been helping the doctor with surgery and caring for the dead, he had been innocent. Castiel had done good work and had in his second year as an assistant beginning to get more responsibility. Dr Alistar and other doctors of the staff had praised him for his work and knowledge. The promise of Dr Alistar paying him to go to medical school had been like a part of his dreams coming true.

But then the war grew.

Castiel was a southern boy. But he was to big of a humanitarian to agree with slavery.  
Even if that wasn't the only reason for the war. He saw no good or honor fighting in the war. Or any war. But that was a thing he never said out loud.

His older brothers Michael and Gabriel were fighting for the Confederate side. They had no other choice when they were young and strong men. So Castiel had prayed every day for his brothers safe return. But soon came the day when the war was no longer a thing happening far away. Castiel and Dr Alistair were drafted as field doctors. The sturdy walls of the hospital were exchanged by tents or invading someone's home. Putting down a door on someone's dining room table, to save the table from the blood and the bone saw. The days melted together. All days and nights were filled with blood, pus, fevers, moans, screams, crying and death. Castiel had hated walking around the new soldiers coming in from the battle. He felt like an angel of death. Going around and deciding whom they would try to save. Who could wait. And who of the soldiers was dead, even if they were breathing still. This was something he had been doing daily for months and months. But when he lay down his head down for some well earned sleep, doubt filled his heart. Had he made the right calls? Had someone that could have survived, died because of him?

The work during the war had brought the doctor and Castiel firmer together. They were a team that could work even when bullets shot into the field hospital. Castiel always knew what he needed to do. Without instructions. And he knew when he was needed by the doctors side. They had saved many lives.

There was one day of the goddamn war that was burned in his memory. It had started as a normal day. Or as normal as a day can be in war. They had taken over a two story farmhouse and turned it into a hospital. Dr Alistar and the ladies of the house were upstairs with a man that needed to amputee both of his legs. Castiel had respect for these women, they would have been good doctors if they had been allowed. They had good heads on their shoulders.

Castiel had gone around the first floor making the rounds. Checking on minor wounds and if anyone had signs of them getting better or getting worse.

When he heard a voice he had not heard in years.

”Cassie” He's big brother Gabriel had always been a joker and a trickster. But this almost did not sound like his voice. It was so tired and desperate. That Castiel turned around and froze at the sight of his two older brothers.

Gabriel was so dirty. Blood and mud covered his uniform and face. But the blood was not his.  
Gabriel was unharmed.

”Cassie. help us” said Gabriel.

Sadly that could not be said about their oldest brother, Michael.

The wound over his midsection showed Castiel his brother's intestines. Some that was broken. Leaking. His brother was painfully dying.

He rushed to his brothers and gave them a place to lay Michael down.

”Castiel...” Michael's voice was just a whisper.

”Is there anything you can do?” Gabriel asked. 

Even if Castiel had been at the hospital with the greatest doctors in the world by his side Michael would have been a lost cause. The damage was too big.

”No, we can not do anything Michael.” Castiel took their hands in his. His heart breaking. 

Michael sighed as if it was what he had expected.

Gabriel started to cry.

”This wound would need the hands of Angels to fix even at a real hospital. I am so sorry. Michael.” He looked to his brothers. Hoping that they would understand. Understand that he or anyone else could not save Michael. How much Castiel would have wished it.

”Will it take a long time?” Gabriel asked.

”I do not know. It can go fast or it will take days.” Days of fever and agonizing pain. The only way Michael was speaking at that moment must be his will, that was keeping him up.

“Gabriel can you get the gauze and my bag from the kitchen?” Castiel said when they had gotten a place for Michael to lay down. It was just a place on the floor. All the beds and bedding were taken. The second Gabriel was out of hearing Michael took Castiel’s hand and looked deep in his eyes.

“Castiel, if this is the end for me. Please, I don’t want to suffer, I want a clean death. I know what a wound to the intestines does when it doesn't kill you right away. Please, brother. Please.”

This was worse than the darkest nightmare. He could not let his brother suffer but to be the one to kill him. It broke Castiel's heart. But he had to decide at that moment.

So he nodded and so forth doomed himself. Not only in the eyes of the gods but of men too.

Michael smiled and said: “Thank you, I love you and I am really sorry to even ask this of you.”

“I love you too, brother.”

Gabriel came in and so the work of preparing Michael for death. He got some drugs to calm him and Castiel wrapped the wound. And the moment Gabriel was sent away on an errand Castiel gave Michael the shot that would kill him.

Michael died quietly in his sleep.

When Castiel looked up he saw Alistair smiling coldly down on him.

In that moment he had killed his brother and a monster had seen him do it. He was trapped in a spiders web. He just did not know it at that moment.

So began Alistair’s grooming and blackmailing.

Alistair owned Castiel. Castiel was never to leave Alistair's side. At first it was not unpleasant. Alistair just let him know that he knew all Castiel's sins, Michael's death. That Castiel was defected, an Uranian, more commonly known as a sodomite. How the doctor had found out Castiel never knew. His affections to his own sex he had never act on. But it was true. The doctor had caressed his cheek and promised that he would be quiet if Castiel would be a good boy and follow his orders.  
Then slowly Alistair started to show his true colors. During the war Alistair would do things like don't give patients the pain relief they needed and other things that feel wrong. He would say that their stock of supply was too low. But Castiel knew Alistair loved inflicting pain unto others. 

When they returned to the hospital Alistair started to show Castiel the Room and his subjects. The poor prisoners of war, runaway slaves and others. Those who won't be missed. All the ones Alistair had for experiments.  
Castiel had enough, he was ready to die for his faults, and he was on his way to the owner of the hospital to confess when Gabriel came to the hospital. Gravely wounded. Castiel and Alistair saved Gabriel's life, but not his legs. He was saved but it gave Alistair the leverage he needed.  
For Gabriel's safety, Castiel was Alistair's right hand. Together they did unspeakable acts to the poor men and women in the Room.  
Castiel was the one to take the sad unrecognisable corpses and depose them.  
He might not have killed them but he felt like he was just as guilty. 

Alistair came into the Room.  
“good work Castiel. Come, I got a treat for you”  
Castiel followed. Ice spreading in his veins.  
Alistair brought them to a cell. Inside were the northern soldiers.  
Alistair opened and chose the longest man Castiel had seen. The man had long brown hair. Strong, beautiful features, but he had a high fever. Hardly conscious.  
“Please, help him” said one of the others. Even dirty, he was the most beautiful man Castiel had ever seen.  
“My little brother is sick he need medicine, please”  
Alistair's cold smile chilled Castiel.  
“Bring a chair and take him”  
Castiel did as he was told.  
Together they got the man in the wheelchair. He didn't have the power to help or fight.  
“Please, help him” said the beauty.  
“oh, where he is going the fever will be the last of his problems. “  
Alistair had always loved to taunt his victims. “say goodbye to your brother”  
Alistair closed the door and the man's heartbreaking shouts echoed down the cellar.  
“Sam! Don't you touch him! Please don't hurt him! Sammy!”  
Even behind the closed door of the Room the man's voice was heard.  
Castiel took his place by Alistair’s side.  
Alistair smiled as he gently pushed Castiel forward.  
“no, child, he is yours”  
Castiel took Alistair's place and looked at the man on the table. Even if he didn't look one bit as Gabriel, Gabriel was all he saw in the young man's features.  
Alistair handed Castiel the scalpel.  
Castiel was meant to kill him.  
Kill the young man that would live if they treated his fever and feed him.  
He would be the first person Alistair would make him kill. One day it would be Gabe on the table and Castiel would not be able to stop Alistair. For in that moment he would have given away all that was good in him. 

So he turned fast around and cut the jugular vein of Alistair. First one side then the other, for good measure. Alistair didn't even try to stop him. He just put his hand to his neck staring baffled at Castiel. As this was something he had never believed. The blood was warm as it hit Castiel in the face and body. Castiel looked on as Alistair died. This was a more fair death than he earned.  
But Castiel just wanted him dead.

He just wanted to be free. 

When the monster was dead. Castiel turned to the man. Looked after what ailed him. Fever was the biggest problem. 

Castiel washed his face and hands before he walked out of the room and up to the main floor.  
Luckily it was the middle of the night no-one was up to see Castiel raiding medicine and food and drinks. He made a big pot of water that he would let boil until he could return and make porridge. He would feed the captives before he…  
What would he do? He had killed the hospital's best doctor. He would go to jail or be killed himself.  
First he would help the boy, Sam. Then… It was anyone's guess.  
He gave him willow bark tincture for the fever and lots of water. And let him sleep.  
He returned to the cells. As he passed the cages, Sam's brother shouted.  
“You! What is happening, where is Sam, you bastard”  
Castiel sighed and turned to the man who paled and whispered.  
“whose blood is that“  
“Your brother is fine, he is sleeping. I will bring him back to you soon. I will get you all out of here. But please let me work so I can save you.”

Please God, I need to save someone. 

“the other one, where is he? “ the soldier asked.  
“he is dead.” it felt weird to say.  
“you killed him?” the man sounded suspicious.  
“yes.” he saw distrust in the men's eyes.  
Castiel turned to the cells. “Do any of you need medical attention before you leave this place? “  
Not a sound was made.  
“think about it, I'll be back soon.”

From the laundry room Castiel got some change of clothes for the twelve captives. A couple of simple fabric bags. Then he made the oatmeal porridge with some butter and honey. Only the best. He grabbed spoons and some plates. He felt like a mule but he didn't complain.  
He bought it all down then he got Sam to the wheelchair and got him in plain sight.  
“I will open the doors now. Please share this meal before you leave. I have some change of clothes if you want and some other things that will aid your journey. If you want to run at once I would recommend that door. “ he pointed to a door down the corridor. “that leads out to the cemetery at the edge of the town.”  
He opened the door to the six soldiers then the runaway slaves.  
The beautiful man bolted to his brother.  
“Sam!”  
“I have given him some willow bark for the fever. Can you read? I have written down the dose and how often he will need to take it.”  
Some men just ran, others started to eat. They wolfed down the meal.  
“I can read.”  
“good. Can I beg you to please try to help these men and women of color to get on the other side of the border. I want them to be free.”  
“gladly, but how? “  
“take these clothes. Your name are now Castiel Milton" Castiel said to the nameless beauty "your brother is Gabriel Milton. These fine people I am sad to say are your slaves. You are going home. Sam needs to be in the wheelchair the whole time. He was wounded in the war. Understood? “  
“I understand”  
He gave the man his fine coat and hat. To easily convince people of this lie. Castiel turned to the runaways.  
“is this acceptable to you too? I am sorry that you need to play the role of what you have escaped from.”  
“what choice do we have? We need to be free.” said a woman carefully.  
“I will wish you luck. May you all be truly free.”  
“thank you.” the same woman said before eating with haste.  
Castiel looked at his clock.  
“Please eat up, but I am afraid you need to soon be going. Here take my purse. May it help you on your way.”  
“Why do you help us?”  
“it is the least I could do. I should have stopped him earlier…”  
Castiel started to go. But was caught by two strong arms.  
“Thank you for saving Sam and helping us. Thank God for you” Castiel didn't feel worthy but he held onto the man.  
“thank Sam. It was him that saved us all .”

Ten minutes later Castiel watched as the odd group left through the back door. The man that he had given his name waved before he followed the man pushing Sam in the wheelchair. He prayed for their safe and swift journey home.  
Then Castiel made the rounds. All was calm. He looked in Gabriels room. He was sound asleep, safe for now.  
Castiel didn't know what would happen to Gabriel when Castiel met his end in the gallows. Hopefully he could return home.  
He said his quiet goodbye and then he made his way to the main doctor's room. And there he waited to confess his crimes and meet his faith.


	2. Ten years later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the last outposts of the wild west. A small mining town run by the shady Azazel and his minions. 
> 
> There was just one man in town that had the means to be free from their grasp.
> 
> The doctor who tries to save as many as he can. 
> 
> Then old ghosts comes to town.

Ten years later 

This was one of the last outposts of the wild west. A small mining town run by the shady Azazel and his minions. 

There was just one man in town that had the means to be free from their grasp. 

They needed him, he didn't need them. 

It was a humble man with a larger than usual house at the edge of the town. The two storey house was the man's home and workspace. All of the people in town knew and respected the man and his brother. If you needed help it was to them you turned in your hour of need. 

The trapper Rufus had found one lost soul that was in dire need. 

Rufus was a man of few words and liked his solitude. So to dump his troubles on someone else was good.   
He and the lost bird knocked on the back door. Three long and three short knocks.   
“Rufus, come in” said the man who opened the door. “you too, dear”  
“What can I do for you both?”  
“the lady needs a hiding place until I can deliver her letter so her people can come get her.”  
“of course. She needs to be hidden from Crowley and his men, I believe. “  
“You are right doc.”  
“Consider it done. You will be safe here my lady.”  
“Joanna-Beth, but everyone calls me Jo.”  
“nice to meet you, I am…”  
“I need to go now, if I shall get the letter to the post in the next town.”  
“Of course. Here let this keep you warm in your travels” The man gave Rufus a bottle of Brandy.   
“pleasure to do business with you, doc.”  
“Safe travels Rufus”  
The man waved as he closed the door after him.   
“Miss Jo, my name is Doctor Castiel Milton and this is my home and workspace. Come, I will show you your room. “

Miss Jo was a smart and strong young woman. Kidnapped from a town in Texas. She had been visiting some relatives when she had been taken. She had luckily not been touched, her kidnappers had saved her for the brothel, owned by Crowley Ferguson. But she had escaped just outside the village. Twisted her ankle and saved by the trapper Rufus. Faith and Gods all angels must have been on her side.   
Castiel knew that not all were so lucky. He had tried to help the ones trapped at Crowleys, asking if they wanted to write home. But sadly most had lost that hope. Thinking of themself like fallen women. So he could only help them to try and keep their health.   
His guilt eating away within.   
Castiel had given her the safe room. Hidden behind a bookshelf in his apartment upstairs. No window. But she seemed glad for it.   
“new guest, Cassie? “ asked Gabriel after Castiel had fed and left Miss Jo upstairs.   
“Yes, a secret one”  
“ain't them all. Mrs Florence will be here in the morning for her pills.”  
“thank you, I will make them at once. So can you give her them if I am with another patient. Do you need help home tonight? “   
“No, I am to dine with my lovely neighbours.”  
“Kali and her children?”  
“of course, they love me”  
“when will you ask for her hand?”  
“When I grow a pair of new legs, brother.”  
“She doesn't want your legs, she likes your head and heart.”  
“she deserves more.”  
“you deserve more.”  
“love you too, brother. See you tomorrow”  
“Goodnight.”  
Castiel looked out the window to see that Gabriel got home safe. As he always did.   
Ten years ago the hospital chief had, for his silence, paid for his medical school. Alistair's corpse they had burned in the large burner in the cellar of the hospital. Piece by piece.   
They had even blamed Alistair for the jailbreak.   
Castiel had gone the next day to the University. Given his all to the study.   
When he was a doctor, he and Gabriel, who needed to get away from their loving but overbearing parents moved away to find their fortune in the west. 

Gabriel had lost his legs but needed his independence and that Castiel was glad to assist in any way he could. He was over the moon to have his brother with him. 

On the outside Castiel was a good man. But at night his nightmares remembered his sins, his misdeeds and his shame. He had been able to blame the nightmares on the war but the only thing he dreamt of was how he murder his own brother and sold his soul to the devil.   
He didn't have nightmares every night, but they came as they pleased.   
They had become fewer, after he had written a letter of his sins and left it at a church for a priest to read. Someone should know even if they didn't know it was him.   
Maybe he should find a catholic church and confess for real. Maybe that would help him some more. But he didn't truly believe it. 

Not often, but once in a while he would freeze. The body he had in front of him would for a second become one of the victims of the room. Panic would run through him. But then any sound would bring him back to do his work. 

He needed to save as many as he could. To try and balance the scales. 

During the week Crowley’s minions had been sniffing around the town. Trying to find Miss Jo. One had come in the practice and politely asked if they had seen any strangers in town. Castiel and his brother lied and said that they had seen nothing. That minion nodded and went away. Honoring the agreement of not pestering the town's only doctor.   
But when Jo had been in hiding for around two weeks one of the new goons came by.   
Castiel heard the ruckus in the reception so he came out to see one more muscle than brains kind of guy harassing Gabriel in front of the patients.   
“Legless, where is the girl!”  
“Let me down baboon, I don't know what you are talking about!”  
“Let him down.” The cold fury was taking over Castiel. He was seldom angry but from time to time he would snap. Especially if you hurt one of his people.   
“Oh shit, dude. Run.” said Gabriel with glee, that told that he was looking forward for Castiel to bring down the fury of the heavens on the goon.   
The goon dropped Gabriel on the floor in a messy pile. He walked up to Castiel to threaten him instead. As he moved to stab his index finger on Castiel's chest, Castiel took the goon's little finger and broke it backwards. The man yelled in pain and dropped on his knees.   
“I understand that you are new to this town. But I have an agreement with your boss. You leave me and mine alone and I will try and help you if you are in need. No questions asked. But if you are going to make problems you will feel my wrath. I might even stop helping you lot all together”  
He pulled the man up by his collar and got him out of his place. The man's feet hardly touched the floor.   
Castiel cold whisper was only for the goon.   
“Just so you know. If you or any of your lot will start to cause problems for me or my brother. You will have nightmares about the consequences. I know how to hurt as well as heal. Have I made myself clear?”  
“Yes, yes!” the man was terrified.   
“I run a place of healing, not a hotel, so no strange girls here.” Castiel shoved the man backwards onto the street. “Go now before I lose my good humour.”  
The man ran like he was chased by demons.   
Castiel turned to help his brother so he didn't notice the three men coming closer to his small hospital.   
They had been watching Castiel casting the man out.   
“Are you alright, Gabriel?”  
“Of course, but help me up to the chair. This is a bit under my status.”  
“it is a bit challenging to do your job on the floor”  
Gabriel blows a raspberry at Castiel.   
“Is this the hospital?” it was a gruff man's voice standing somewhere near the door.   
“Yes, just a second.” Castiel lifted his brother up on his chair, turned and felt like he was going to faint.  
The man that had spoken was a bearded and older man. One that had an aura of pondus. He had a Marshall's star on his chest. But it was the two younger men at his side that was like ghosts coming back to hunt Castiel. The tallest man, his brown locks and strong features was as he remembered. He was alive and healthy. His eyes, a beautiful green color, that he didn't know. But the man whose eyes were even more beautiful in daylight stared at Castiel. 

He remembers him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope to see you again for part two.


End file.
